IS IT JUST MY HEART?
by Joyce (Zuehlsdorf) Medina
(sister of KIA John Zuehlsdorf - HMM-463)

My Vietnam veteran and I attended our first Nebraska Vietnam Veteran Reunion recently. I must say the camaraderie was amazing, that is not to say it surprised me, only that the people attending the reunion were a vast variety of personalities and they all seemed to meld into one.

The veterans all had a story to tell and were willing to share them with anyone who would listen. I mostly listened to the veterans who related their stories. Some had funny tales to tell and others had horrifying stories. While they talked, I paid particular attention to their eyes and facial expressions. Some spoke with hesitation in their voice and a pained look to their face; but seemed to appreciate the chance to pass on their experiences. The veterans in attendance, whether they realize it or not; are able to heal their mental wounds by simply talking to their comrades. I saw many different expressions on the faces of these veterans. Sadness, bewilderment, fear, even shame to name a few. However, one constant was an expression of respect towards all those in attendance. I hope my expressions and actions were perceived as respect.

My veteran, my husband Mike related a concern of his; not to me but to my sister when I was in a hospital some years back. He has belonged to the Veterans of Foreign Wars since he got out of the Navy, but questions whether he should be eligible for that honor since he was on the "safety of an air craft carrier off the coast of Vietnam". His words, not mine! If I thought a swift kick would be the answer to his query; I would have done it long ago. I hope our attendance of the reunion has belayed any of his doubts. There was one veteran who thanked my husband for the support those on land received from those ships that were "safe off the coast". Again, Mike's words, not the veteran who was thanking him. I know I thanked him and the expression on my husbands face was one of disbelief and relief at the same time. My story has had an effect on my husband, as well.

I am a Gold Star sister, having lost my oldest brother in 1968 to what has always been deemed to be a senseless "police action". War by any other name is still war, regardless of what the politicians call it. It has been 37 years since I last saw my brother, but still have dreams that he will one day show up on my door step. My sister has had an almost identical dream to mine. In the dream, I have many different emotions at seeing him again. Happiness, of course; is the first emotion. Then other emotions creep in. I am afraid that he will ask me why I didn't come looking for him and he may think I didn't care enough for him to do so. Then a feeling of reassuring him that I did try by attempting to contact anyone who may have known him and was witness to the helicopter crash. I still question of myself if I have done near enough. I think part of this dream stems from the fact that the casket was never opened and we were told that the only thing inside was his dog tags.

One of the questions that runs through my mind is if only the dog tags were inside, could these have been torn off amid the crash? Could he possibly have been taken prisoner? Could he still be alive in some stink hole in that God forsaken country called Vietnam? Could any of these questions be a possibility or is it just my heart? All of these questions exist, despite the fact that my other brother was determined to seek out answers to our brothers death; as he was serving in Army Intelligence (I know that seems to be a contradiction in terms) and requested to go to Vietnam and check out the possibilities of any mistakes. His request was granted against our mother's wishes and he found his own answers. Those answers have never been the ones that I wanted to hear, thus the recurring dream.

Some would say that it isn't healthy to think the way I have for so many years. What I say is; "What's so healthy about losing hope?" I came to realize sometime during the reunion that I was there for much the same reasons as the veterans. I think we are all looking for some answers. Anything to help us come to terms with our questions. I came away from all those veterans with a renewed sense of health.

Hope and Love are eternally healthy, especially when it keeps someone special in your heart forever.