I can’t help but wonder what new technology training new recruits are being given in boot camp. I know when I went they were teaching “gas operated, clip fed, semiautomatic, shoulder-fired weapon”. I’ll bet I had that weapon’s serial number literally pounded into my brain housing group every day for the first six weeks. While I no longer remember it, (gasp) I do still remember my old enlisted serial number.

With the advent of the new technologies that have come along over the last 30 or 40 years, what do D.I.’s teach the new maggots today? Well, why don’t we listen in to a class being given by Corporal Digit.

“On youses table is the new M1A2 Mod 4 fully automatic low bidder iPhone. Its purpose is to save youses miserable lives one day. Now, with your right hand (YOUR OTHER RIGHT PRIVATE), gently pick it up and note how light it is. With youses other right hand, push the button on top to start it. I SAID ON TOP OF IT BOOT.

Youse will take note of the various small pictures, called icons, on the screen. Each of those icons has a specific purpose. Now, put your right index finger on the icon what looks like a plate. The screen now shows what youse will be eating tomorrow morning at the chow hall. If youse slides youses finger to the right youse will see the same SOS will be dished out for the next seven mornings. Think of it as chow youses Mudder wished she could have served.

Look at the screen again and see if youse can find the icon what looks like a calendar. Yeah, the one what has numbas and days on it. If youse puts youses finger on it youse will see that tomorrow youse will be going to participate in a live fire exercise. Most of youse will be up range. Those of youse that didn’t qualify with youses rifle will be down range. That’s just a little joke us instructors use to liven things up.

Now, pick youses finger up and then place the same pointing finger on the icon what looks like a star. How many of youse have it on the star? NO DIM WIT I DIDN’T SAY PUT IT ON THE GPS ICON. Even with a GPS youse’d probably still get lost. Now should youse think youse is being done wrong by your D.I. or anyone else senior to youse, this is the Request Mast icon. Youse can request to see the General to speak youses piece.

Last thing for today’s class. Look for the Red Cross icon. This is the one youse will pick on to go to sick bay to repair that enlarged anus youse’ll have should youse actually request mast. Now, get youses maggot asses out of my class room.