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By: Ed Creamer

Whenever I can “borrow” a copy of the latest Maxim magazine to study the latest swim- suite trends, I find I am bombarded with small postcard type advertisements that just seem to fall out. If I were trying to look at the articles while walking, I could cover the sidewalk with all those falling 3 X 5 pieces of paper.

Do you know what’s missing from these small pieces of advertisements? I mean, other than more swimsuit articles. There are no advertisements for helicopters. None! Not one for the latest version of the AH-1. I know. I looked. I even went through my 15 year collection of those magazines. (Listen, you research your way and I’ll research mine.)

That got me to wondering about some of the really trashy magazines out there and what they advertise. Magazines like TIME or NAVAL INSTITUTE PROCEEDINGS or even BOYS LIFE. Once I was able to find past issues of these publications, I found there were no advertisements for helicopters. Well, there was one about the recent upgrades to one of Charlie Kaman’s H-2. I looked at the date of the article, saw it was dated 1973.

I just can’t seem to understand why the latest issue of BETTER HOMES & GARDENS didn’t carry a picture of a young Marine standing beside an AH-1Z. The caption would have read, “When I leave the house, I never go out without my AH-1Z. So, if you live in a neighborhood like I do, you need to get yourself one. And while you’re at it, get one for your new bride.”

Also, not one of the periodicals I lifted from the library had anything about Boeing-Vertol. Being a Sikorski fan myself, I kind of understand why. Although to be fair there should be at least one picture of five or six fully armed Marines standing next to the ramp of the latest CH-46R. Next to them is a Crew Chief saying, “Marines like these always purchase 46’s. They know it’s the next best thing to having a shot of Jack Black in their canteen.”

I picked up the old trusty land line and called my favorite Sikorski rep, Bob Osborne down at NAS Corpus Cristi. His secretary answered, “Bob Osborne, world famous Sikorski rep and former Marine extraordinaire.” When she finally transferred me to his phone he could be heard telling whoever was in his office, “I’m double downing on the next roll. Yeah, what do you want Fast Eddy, I’m busy.” I asked him why his company didn’t advertise the latest CH-53V in civilian magazines. He responded, “When people know you’re perfect in every way, no need to advertise. Gotta go. Whose roll is it?”

A friend of mine reminded me the latest version of the MV-22R2D2 Osprey was to have been featured on the cover of ROLLING STONE. I asked if he’d check it out and let me know which issue. He had an old burnt out DJ call me back. Seems “The thrill that will getcha, when they get you pitcha, on the cover of ROLLING STONE” just never hap’n man. Madonna looked better than Marine Green.