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By: Ed Creamer

Recent budget hearings in Washington have led some to believe changes must be made in the Defense budget. As a result, in the year 2007, the Joint Chiefs decided to outsource some normally military operations to civilian companies. The below is an example of how troop lifts are projected to be handled then.

“This is your Captain speaking and we’d all like to thank you for flying All America Airlines. We’re your combat operations airline of choice. Just as soon as the tower gives us clearance and that F—king Apache gets out of the way; we’ll be on our way to LZ Bullfrog. We’ll be flying at an altitude of 500 feet with considerable incoming expected. So, sit back and enjoy the ride. I’ll turn you over to your stewardess, Marlene, now. And, again, thank you for flying All America Airlines, your combat operations airline of choice.”

“This is your stewardess Marlene speaking and I’d like to remind you the seat belt sign will be on for the total duration of the flight. In the event you need to make an emergency head call, please feel free to use the open hatch next to the crew chief. Before I pass out MRE’s, we’ll be offering complimentary sodas. Mixed drinks and wine can be procured for $10. In the event you wish to procure either the hard stuff or our headphones to listen to music, please have the correct change. We ain’t gotta lot of change ya see. So, speak up maggots and let me know your poison.”

“This is your Captain again. If you’ll look out the port side, you’ll notice tracers coming at us from that 12th century fortification the Cobra’s are pounding the shit out of. And, out the open hatch on your right, DAMN THAT WAS CLOSE, you’ll see what’s left of an example of an early empire city. 155 Howitzer rounds are currently excavating it. Just as a reminder, all this is being brought to you by All America Airlines, your combat operations airline of choice.”

“This is your Stewardess again. Just as a reminder, All America Airlines supports a friendly environment and we do recycle. That’s why you notice our gunners policing up their brass. So, please throw your aluminum cans in our recycle bag and your garbage and barf bags in another.”

“Your Captain once again. You’ll notice we’re now making a steep approach into the LZ, that area all those good folks are shooting from. Watch your step when departing the aircraft. I think I speak for all of your crew, thank you for flying with us today. And, the next time you’re planning a combat operation, think of All American Airlines. Have a good day.”