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By: Ed Creamer

Some time ago I received an e-mail from a friend. Now, I know what you’re going to say. But before you do, I must state for the record I do have friends. Not many, but some. With that said, we’ll continue. In his e-mail there was an icon on my monitor which allows you to take a test on line. Since nobody had informed me we were to have a pop quiz today, I wasn’t prepared. So, shoot me.

First I raised my hand and went to the you know where. On the way back to my desk I grabbed a full cup of coffee, two donuts and some paper. Look as I might I couldn’t find a number 2 pencil. Turned this place upside down and not one could be found. When I tried to explain this to my for better or worse all I received back was one of her looks. Not her, what did you do now looks. Or one of those you didn’t forget it again did you looks. You know, one of her looks.

Everybody has number 2 pencils. Where would our colleges and universities be without them? We’d all be driving horse drawn buggies if we didn’t have number 2 pencils to take the DMV test. Civilization depends upon us having lots and lots of them. Only, there was not a single one in our home.

Once I thought about it I found I have an easy explanation of why we don’t. You see we’ve sold all our children. Well, not exactly sold like we’d put them up on e-Bay or anything. We sort of sold them to their mates. We have signed releases stating we’re no longer responsible for their health and well being except when they need to borrow money or our brand new truck. Seems we forgot that clause at the bottom of the release form. Anyway, they’re gone.

Now, I’m not sure how many of you have curtain climbers still living at home. Well, for those of you that do you’re familiar with the math equation C + S = N2P. When the number of children (C) is zero the law of applied physics says school (S) is also zero. Therefore number 2 pencil (N2P) is now an imaginary number and only those people who talk to and answer themselves when nobody else is around has them. We don’t have any number 2 pencils. I think our children took them.

Needless to say, I wasn’t able to take the test. It was humiliating to have to go back and tell my friend I didn’t have a number 2 pencil with which to take the test. It wasn’t as if I didn’t want to take his test. I just wasn’t prepared for a quiz today. Had the coffee and donuts. Just didn’t have a number 2 pencil. I haven’t heard back from him since I asked when he’d reschedule the test.